Fool-proof guide to becoming a 100m sprinter

Sick of working for 36+ hours a week for a pittance? Had enough of travelling via public transport to a job you hate? Fancy earning yourself a lot of money for minimal work? If the answer to these questions is yes, then fear not my amigos, as I have a fool-proof guide on how to earn the most amount of money you can for the least amount of work possible. Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? Well believe me, its 110% legitimate. Because, if you follow my fool-proof plan, you could become a 100m sprinter, earning at least six figures for 10 seconds work!

1) Buy yourself some flourescent trainers

The Puma Complete Haraka

Everyone who knows anything about anything knows that the more flourescent your trainers are, the faster you can run in them. Its simple science. When was the last time you saw a track star with a pair of white Reebok classics? Get yourself down to JD Sports, ask them for the brightest flourescent trainers they have and start your journey to becoming the next Usain Bolt.

2) Hit the gym

My last visit to the gym

Next up you need to hit the gym. No one wants to see a flabby runner, especially in lycra! So you need to start pumping iron and hitting that treadmill as soon as possible. But make sure your gym has plenty of mirrors, so you can multitask and practice number three which is….

3) Practice your warm up faces

…and jazz hands!

It is absolutely essential for modern sprinters to have a vast array of faces to pull when the camera’s are on you. Whether it’s the simple smile and nod, the more extravagant ‘dirt of your shoulders’ rub, the classy sexy face with eyebrow rub or the intense serial killer look, modern sprinters need to have an array of extravagant looks to wow the crowd at home.

4) Get your self some running gear

Mr T – So much gold he ran the 100m in 5 seconds flat…. uphill!

You’ve already got your flourescent trainers, so next is the rest of your gear. Don’t worry about shorts and vest as they’ll be provided for you, I’m talking about the most important piece of sprinting equipment, a massive gold chain. One of the wonders of modern science is the gold chain, which all modern sprinters wear. Purchase a chain, the bigger the better, and channel your inner sprinter.

5) Decide on a finishing line routine

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, its Mr Modest

Just as gymnasts have to practice their dismount from the high bars, a sprinter must practice the routine they will perform at the end of the race. What good is winning a race unless you have the perfect performance ready for the occasion? Start off simple with a classic angry face and chest thump, then progress to an arms aloft ‘that’s what I’m talking about’ head nod, and finish with a flashy pose like firing an arrow. Now you are almost ready….

6) Have a go at some actual running

Perfect form, arms pumping, totally focused

Being a sprinter, you don’t have to run for long, so don’t bother trying to build up endurance or stamina as it’s a waste of time. Instead, try sprinting as fast as you can down your garden path, or to the end of the street. Don’t forget to look super focused and pump your arms as fast as possible, as this will remove two seconds off your time. At this point, you might as well practice your finishing line routine from point 5, just to ensure you nail it.

7) Find an athletics meet and register yourself

They will never be sprinters. No gold chain…

You are now ready, you’ve done as much training as you can, you’ve bought the equipment and you’ve done all you can to prepare. All that’s left to do is turn up, blast in a sub ten second time and you’ll be on your way to being an Olympic gold medal winning sprinter in no time.

So there you go. Seven easy steps to becoming a national hero, an inspiration to kids everywhere and most importantly, super rich.

Please note: This may not be 100% true…..

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