A How to Guide: How to be a wonderful colleague

how to guide

Work is dull, most of the time. With these handy hints you can spice up the office in no time. Your colleagues will love you for it, I am almost completely sure.

On an unrelated subject, please note that I am not responsible for any disciplinary or industrial action you may be subject to if you follow this guide.

Food

Food is a great way to get to know your colleagues! It’s a tool we can all use at some point throughout the day. Try these on for size:

1. Stinky food will win you absolutely loads of friends. I’d advise before you eat that cheese sandwich you add a pile of pickled onions, pickled beetroot and a tin of pilchards. Round it off with a bag of cheese and onion kettle chips. Also, forget your chewing gum.

2. Whenever the phone rings, stuff a pile of toffees into your mouth and then shrug helplessly at your colleagues.  Stare at them while they are on the phone with lines of toffee coloured drool hanging down your face.

3. Bring a bottle of fizzy pop in with you and prior to opening; shake it like Beyoncé’s bum in “Crazy in Love”. Let chaos ensue. Refuse to clean up said chaos because it’s not in your job description.

4. Leave a half drunk bottle of milk on your desk until it looks like something that fell out of a whale’s nose.  If anyone tries to remove it, stab at their hands with your letter opener and claim “It is an experiment”. If anyone asks “In what?” hiss at them like a snake.

5. Repeatedly tell the office “I am on a diet” and then march to McDonald’s every day for a week, come back and sit at your desk, rubbing your stomach, filling your mouth and sobbing. Sit with your head in your hands after finishing your meal moaning “Why? Why?!” and then open the office biscuit barrel and pour the contents down your throat in one movement. Comment to colleagues that you’ve no idea why you keep gaining weight.

6. Very noisy food such as crackers, peanuts etc should always be eaten when your colleague is on a very important phone call. Crunchy carrot sticks, ryvita, ridged crisps, they are simply made for the busy office.

7. Whenever your colleague opens any form of food, stare at them blankly and say “I just can’t afford to eat.” If you can cry on cue, all the better. Tell them that the government took your baby. It doesn’t matter if this isn’t true.

8. If something in the fridge is labelled with a name that is not your own, you should definitely eat it. If anyone asks you why, just say that it was near its sell by date. Tell angry confrontational colleague that you did them a favour, and then say next time you’d prefer raspberry flavour over strawberry.

9. If you are on a diet, make sure you tell everyone around you repeatedly. Nibble fruit and yoghurts at your desk. Tut at anyone who dares eat a sandwich in your presence. In fact, every time they walk near the fridge start singing “Who Ate All The Pies?”

10. Any flecks of mayonnaise, crumbs, pieces of cheese etc that you leave about your person post eating should remain there for the rest of the day. Watch how your colleagues stare are you enraptured. That’s lust right there. Oh yeah.

Personal Hygiene and Appearance

It’s always good to be haphazard at best with your standards of personal hygiene if your goal is to make friends with your colleagues. These could be just what you need.

1. Not washing your hair for a few weeks or so leaves you with an odd musk like a damp badger. I am sure someone somewhere loves that smell, have a go.

2. It’s always wise to leave shaving your legs until they look like Sean Connerys back, and then wobble in wearing a miniskirt so tiny it is an insult to belts. If the hair is so long is it actually curling, you are on to an absolute winner there.

3. Why clean your teeth when you can leave them for a few weeks, bare them at your colleagues like an aggressive baboon and say “Look! They’ve more or less gone green!” Stare at them agitatedly in your handbag mirror for a while and then begin to loosen the plaque with a fingernail and flick it around the office. Classy.

4. Be open and free with your flatulence- quite frankly the louder and more offensive the better. Feel free to waft it towards your colleagues shouting “Did you get a load of that? Woah!” Ask your colleagues for feedback and scores on sound, distance travelled and aroma.

5. Discussing all of your medical ailments, frequency of bowel movements and highly embarrassing diseases will have your colleagues telling new staff “She’s so funny!” It’s not a good day if you don’t get to describe something thusly “And what fell out of me looked like a veiny orange covered in blancmange.”

6. Have a big cup of coffee and then lean very close to your colleagues face, wafting them with your death breath. Do this over and over again, move closer if they try to get away. Everyone loves the smell of stale coffee.

7. Perfume and deodorant are for suckers. Stroll in each morning smelling like you’ve spent the night being intimate with a long deceased and quite soggy buffalo.  If a ripped seam on your crunchy clothing shows armpit hair this is a good thing also.

8. Coming to work dressed like the contents of a bring and buy sale threw up on you is always a good one- a pale blue home knitted cardigan, jeans, brown sandals and white socks are just Vogue darling, Vogue.

9. Why brush your hair when you can leave it and stroll in looking like Crystal Tipps? I have a test- if you cannot lose a Bulldog clip in your hair, you brush it too much.

10. If you do smoke, don’t be in any way considerate to your non-smoking colleagues. Waft around after each break smelling like a pub ashtray, leaning unnecessarily close to people and watching as their faces turn a peculiar shade of green.

Habits around the office

1. Sing along to the radio. I personally do a very good rendition of “This Town Aint Big Enough For the Both of Us” with actions and screaming falsetto. I’d be happy to teach you. If that doesn’t get the reaction required, step it up a notch with “I Will Survive” – noted for its performance using both megaphone and shotgun.

2. Force your obsessions upon your colleagues. If you have some worrying obsessions that you have until now kept firmly under your hat, now is the time to let them run free. If you have an unbridled lust for Phil Collins, I strongly advise wallpapering the entire office in pictures of his face. Get in early, lie in the middle of the floor weeping and yelling “Why can’t he be mine?”

3. Tell your colleagues in close detail about the most “important” parts of your life. They do want to hear what you ate for dinner last night, how your son proposed to his girlfriend and they definitely do want to be shown how you do your exercises for your arthritic hip. Please show them again, get them to join in, in fact. If they start crying and trying to end their lives with a staple remover, they’re just enjoying themselves.

4. Make the some joke over and over, despite the fact it wasn’t funny the first time. Everyone knows only the very cream of comedy laugh at their own jokes.

5. Interrupt every other conversation around you and chuck in your boring two pence worth. If that colleague was not speaking to you, I am sure she intended to. Must be her mistake. Smile sweetly even when your colleagues yell into your face “WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING”.

6. Disturb anyone who is clearly so frantic with work they look like a panicking octopus to tell them in careful and precise detail, with pictures if you have them, of the time you and your husband Frank toured the Lake District in a Vauxhall Nova.

7. Stare open-mouthed at your colleagues screen like a child seeing Santa for the first time when they are trying to work. If they are typing, giggle like a schoolgirl every time they make a typo. I suggest you duck now as they are about to try and kill you with a hole punch.

8. Leaving work for other people to do is really helpful and kind. Why work when you could read the Daily Mail over and over and read out the stories to your horrendously busy colleague? If you do actually do any work, ever, make sure you make a complete mess of it, that way they won’t ask you again. Stare at your colleague whenever the phone rings despite the fact you haven’t answered a single call all day.

9. It’s always really team spirited to take all the credit for work you had pretty much nothing to do with.  Everyone will thank you so much for this. Make sure you tell anyone who will listen how hard you worked on the project and don’t give even a tiny ounce of credit to the people who actually did all the hard work, working until late into the night with bloodshot eyes.

10. When your colleague is typing furiously, (may or may not be writing a piece for The Daily Waffle), stare at them with a gaze so fierce it could cut through a bank vault. Be careful now as I think they may have put something unmentionable in your tea.

I hope you have a very happy time at work with this handy how to guide.

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Sarah
About Sarah 172 Articles
Down at heels, music obsessed girl who works in admin. Frequently found talking nonsense on audio blogs, writing nonsense on written blogs or when the internet is down, talking to herself. Life lurches from one disaster to another, but at least it's amusing. I like cats and rats. My fear is they will one day form an allegiance and take over the world. You saw it here first.