I, in case you didn’t know, am a man. I have facial hair, short finger nails and I thoroughly enjoy scratching my bits (or so the wife says). But, in these modern times, the defining details that separate the sexes of our glorious species are more blurred than ever. These days, men can often be found in the supermarket doing the shopping, wearing pink garments or, and this is not a lie, some men even wear hair gel and use moisturiser! And women, don’t even get me started! Not only can they vote, but they even watch football, drink lager and go back to work before the children turn 16! The world has gone mad. But fear not my brethren, I don’t want to send you into a panic now, so I have compiled a fool-proof list of checkpoints to reclaim your manliness from the poisoned grasps of the 21st Century. Put down the Oil of Ulay, take off the ‘salmon’ coloured t-shirt and prepare to spit on the ground, because I’m about to give you some essential pointers to reclaiming the lost art of ‘being a man’:
What makes a man?
Calling someone ‘Son’ – This works especially well if it’s a policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
Sharpening a pencil with a Stanley knife – Who needs a pencil sharpener when you can channel your inner caveman and ‘whittle’.
Having a thin bit of wood in the shed – This is essential, what else would you stir your paint with?
Giving a policeman a nod – There is no need to speak, a bit of eye contact and a knowledgeable nod says it all. “We may not have seen eye to eye in the past, but thanks for keeping the scrotes in check”
Using power tools – Instruction booklets are just the woman’s way of suppressing us. ‘Must be used by trained professionals’? Peh! You’re a man, what training do you need?
Carving the roast – Get the biggest, sharpest, most shiny knife you can find and hack the daylights out of that meat. You get added man-points if you say “are you a leg or breast man?” to the blokes and “do you want stuffing?” to the women.
Having something properly wrong with you – This works better if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”.
Opening jars – If your partner is struggling, take the jar from her and open it effortlessly. “You must have loosened it love”. She didn’t, jars are mens work.
Eating meat with your fingers – Using cutlery is for girls, and you’re not a girl are you?
Doing a proper sliding tackle – Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney. There is nothing that screams ‘Girl’ than a silky 40 yard run followed by a top corner placed, curling shot. Now doing a two-footed, 3 ft off the ground, knee-high tackle, makes you not only a man but practically Booby Moore.