The world has been in a major state of flux for the past few weeks. Earthquakes, radioactive fallout, more war zones developing by the minute and all of these factors have led people to start wondering about the Mayan prediction that the world will end in 2012. But fear not. There is a saviour. A man who can right all the wrongs, a man who can single handedly fix the tectonic shifts, nullify the uranium risk and quell the uprisings all around the world.
Stand up and take a bow Michel (Susan Boyle) Platini. Mike has just been re-elected as Uefa President for another four years, unopposed. So, given his reign of bollocks over the past four years I can only assume that the potential contenders for the role must know something that we don’t. They must have looked at Platini and after they had thought how well he had sung on Briatins Got talent they must have realised that he was the man to lead Uefa to the promised land. Maybe these other possible candidates are all a bit slow and maybe they just haven’t been paying any attention over the last four years. It is quite possible that at Uefa meetings they get stuck into the free Blue Nun and the copious amounts of complimentary crack and they simply cant understand what Mike is talking about. Seemingly Platini has spent the last four years attacking the premier league so maybe that has been enough to win him the Ukranian vote.
Platini has an issue with the amount of debt carried by the English clubs and this has led to him calling Manchester United and Chelsea “cheats” and trying to redress the balance of the Champions league. He would rather see Andorra enter two teams and the winner of the English premier league having to play a qualifying match with the champions of the isle of wight to gain entry to “his” competition. As we all know though little SuBo Platini isnt the real problem. He was installed as UEFA president by the dark overlord of FIFA as a safety blanket to ensure that if all went wrong there would be a backup, a voice of (Scottish singing) reason to help him back from the abyss. I would imagine that as the votes were being cast there was a huge Qatari and Russian presence “leaning” on the Uefa delegates as they were about to vote. The poor delegate from the Isle of Aran was about to cast his vote when he was “compromised” by the Qatari “helpers” and they soon learnt that if they wanted to vote or indeed nominate anyone they would be learning all about Sharia law first hand.
But what about the bad man, Mr Blatter. His time at the pinnacle of world football hasn’t really been anything other than a disaster. For the football fan. For Sepp and his wife Fanny it has probably been a magical time as the clueless fat man tilts from one disaster to another, getting paid an astronomical amount for talking absolute crap about football, rather like a News of the World journalist. Anyone can poke fun at the ground breaking work that Sepp has done over the last few years since he bribed and bullied his way into office but his best work has happened in the last few months. Sepp has awarded the world cup to a country where the ambient temperature is 50 degrees Celsius and alcohol is banned and a country where a turnip is held in the same esteem as a diamond. So now it doesn’t matter if England qualify or not as the fans wont be able to afford to go the 2018 world cup and wont want to go to the 2022 tournament because alcohol will be banned and any hugging celebration will result in the offending fans being cut in half to teach ‘the gays’ a lesson.
The re-election of Platini was merely an under-card to the potential re-election of September Blatter, between the two of them they can properly fuck world football up over the next four years. If you glance into the future you can possibly see a champions league final between Admira Wacker and Flexys Cefn Druids, while United, Chelsea, Real Madrid and AC Milan are banned from the EUFA competitions for not correctly presenting their petrol receipts.
