So far we have had a one trick pony as Player of the Year (Bale), a potentially incredibly annoying teenager as Young Player (Wilshere) and then to top it all off we now have the technically challenged Parker as Football Writers Player of the Year. So where are we going wrong? Instead lets have a look at an alternative team of the year, made up of loonies, mercenaries and clowns just to get into the spirit of things. The team will play as a 4-3-3
Goalkeeper – Jens Lehmann.
The Arsenal back up had retired from football and was looking back on a career as a mentally bereft firebrand when Arsenal called him back into the fold. Arsene seemingly has a blind spot where keepers are concerned and had realised that Wockface, Flapianski and Almunia were all rubbish. Jens is well known for losing his rag so it is only a matter of time until he is battering people left right and centre.
Right back – Bacary Sagna
He is purely included in this team because of his hair, Sagna is actually quite a good player. In these days of freedom of speech and expression everyone is entitled to look exactly how they choose, but lets be honest, Sagna has gone too far.
Left back – Cashley Hole
Despite everything else he has done in his career, this season he has surpassed himself. Cashley actually took a gun into training and shot someone. No more words are needed.
Centre back – Kolo Toure
Here is a player that was happy and established at Arsenal. Then in a desperate attempt to feather his nest he demanded a move to Citeh. Sadly he has been exposed as a bit of a shithouse and in a moment of madness, got on Mrs Toure’s slimming tablet to try and get a bit trimmer. Or that’s what they would have us believe. It is more than likely that Toure has been snorting cocaine off the top of Lescotts head, and that is what has caused the unusual patterns on Joleons swede.
Centre back – John Terry
Cry baby, armband stealing, corporate tour guiding bastard. There is nothing to like about John Terry at all. He is the anti-christ in footballing form, a man who has the London based media to thank for his career, had he been born in any other country (except Guam) he would have been thrown out of football and been given imposed amputation.
Midfield – Joey Barton
Undoubtedly talented, possibly the vilest man that has ever set foot on a pitch. Previously convicted of assault on a number of occasions he also has the most inflated sense of his own ability. Currently the ‘Best midfielder in England’, What’s next for Barton? tearing the eyelashes off a pensioner? Torturing the hair of Collocini?
Centre Mid – Lee Bowyer
What a repugnant character, you only have to look at him to see the hate in his eyes. He also looks exactly how I imagine a Ferret on amphetamines would look, with his curiously protruding gnashers and very scary eyes.
Centre Mid – Lucas
What a load of old shit. Lucas was apparently the captain of the Brazilian youth teams and arrived at Liverpool with a huge reputation. He has since spent all of his energy disproving the theory and is playing like a man with one leg.
Striker – Carlton Cole
Absolute crap. Cole is the non-thinking mans Heskey. I cannot see any redeeming features in his play at all. He doesn’t score, he doesn’t assist any goals and when he is not on the pitch he is busy being fined for tweeting some awful lines.
Striker – Mario Balotelli
Where does one start with this character? After winning the “Golden Boy” trophy, which sounds as though Wenger invented it, Mario said he had no idea who Jack Wilshere was. In fairness neither did I then. He has also started fights at training, declared his love for Milan and thrown darts at youth team players. He does sound like a super chap.
Striker – Andy Carroll
The Bloodbottler was having a good season at the geordies until Mad Kenny snapped him up to join the Liverpool revolution. Carroll has a reputation for duffing up the ladies and drinking with unreasonable ferocity, so to send him to Merseyside seems like the ideal place.
Manager – Arsene Wenger
Purely for his terrible sportsmanship. When things go against his team he often remonstrates at the opposition manager and last week nearly duffed up Dalglish.
Subs
Gomes – the Mr Tickle like goalkeeper is prone to catastrophic errors. And looks like 5 pipe cleaners and a raisin.
Skrtle – for looking like a cannibal. And having the touch of a camel.
Carragher – he is to fair tackling what Dr Harold Shipman was to help the aged.
Rosicky – for being a brittle boned fool, who looks more like a middle aged lady from Belarus than a footballer.
Joe Cole – for leaving Chelsea to go to Liverpool and then Spending so much time as a sub that Kenny thinks his name is Joe only if we need a fucking miracle.
Rooney – for pretending he wanted to leave just so he could get more money. He probably could have just asked nicely.
Torres – for being the Spanish Heskey
