The season is over. Medals, trophies and awards have all been handed out. Three teams suffered heartbreak whilst three escaped by the skin of their teeth. Two managers have already departed their clubs, and Manchester United face the impossible ask of defeating the greatest side ever assembled for the richest prize in club football. Only one article has the stones to face these topics head on! That’s right, it’s the season finale of Born Offside…
I write this article on a cold, damp, Thursday afternoon in Manchester. Survival Sunday, yet one of the most exciting last days of recent times, is starting to become a distant memory. Only the vast, overwhelming emptiness of transfer bollocks remains for the next three months as Summer hits and football disappears. Same can be said for West Ham, Blackpool and Birmingham as the three clubs relegated from the Premier League. Blackpool, who were slain by the Champions elect at Old Trafford, and Birmingham, who saw defeat at the hands of the Spurs, had their fates confirmed. That fate is that they are shite and need to do better should the opportunity arise in the future.
Elsewhere on Sunday, Chelsea continued to show the world why they are the most soulless, heartless and brutal team in the league by sacking manager Carlo Anchelotti approx 35 seconds after he’d given a post match interview. Sacking him in a corridor at Goodison Park. Sacking him after becoming the only man in their history to do the league and cup double, the prior season. Roman Abramovich’s yet again showing that common sense in football is dead. Just to add, as I write this, Arry Redknapp is the bookies odds on favourite to replace him. I’ll pause for a minute to allow you to piss yourself laughing…..
There is one award left to be collected by the managers of the Premier League, and that’s the title of ‘Luckiest Manager in the League’ award. The forerunners for the award are Mick McCarthy and Roberto Martinez, who successfully led their sides away from relegation on the last day of the league. Well, technically Mick McCarthy more stumbled away from relegation after his side were losing 3-0 at home to Blackburn at HT, finally escaping on goals scored. Martinez’s Wigan side beat Stoke 1-0 after Stoke decided they had had their fill of football for the season and barley turned up. And the winner of the award is………. MICK MCCARTHY!! Here’s to yet another season of dire, unimaginative football from Wolves.
Finally ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to finish with a story. This is the story of David & Goliath. David was your run of the mill, regular sized man, who decided to pick a fight with Goliath who was an undefeatable giant, never seen before in the kingdom. People laughed at David’s claims he could defeat Goliath. ‘Surely not!’ the people cried! Then stories began to come out about David shagging Welsh porn stars, yet David would not be put off in his quest to slay the Giant. On the day of the big contest, David and Goliath stood toe to toe, with Goliath laughing smugly as David lined up in his 4-4-1-1 formation that he bode him so well against Chelsea. All of a sudden, David whipped out his trusty sling shot and his newly purchased Mexican hotshot stone, and BAM! Goliath took one to the forehead and had been defeated, against all odds by David. David lifted his trophy above his head and sealed his place in history. The End!