With the 84th Academy Awards just around the corner, this weeks ‘From the DW Archives’ was originally posted on 21st February 2011. In this post, Justin (@JayMotty) takes a look at what it takes to pick up that gold statue.
With the 83rd Academy Awards almost upon us it’s going to be a struggle not to vomit as we’re forced to watch the ridiculously good looking Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting the ceremony where Hollywood gives itself the ultimate pat on the back.
I’m actually a fan of the Oscars, not because I enjoy the ceremony which is as Johnny Carson when hosting said: “Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over four hours.” I like the Oscars because it adds an extra dimension to some of the years best films and performances.
It’s not that I agreee with the decisions, in fact I often find them remarkably erroneous, particularly the Best Picture award. Are you honestly telling me The Hurt Locker was the best film of last year? Or that Shakespeare in Love is superior to Saving Private Ryan, or Dances With Wolves is a better film than Goodfellas? I could go on but thankfully I wont.
Its’ the acting oscars I look forward to the most as even though I sometimes disagree with the Academy they do seem to be a little more rational when handing out the acting awards.
This year sees Colin Firth as the front runner for the Best Actor Oscar with Natalie Portman almost guaranteed to win Best Actress. In the supporting stakes it’s a little less certain -although Christian Bale and Amy Adams could potentially make it a double swoop for The Fighter.
If you are looking for an Oscar win then there’s a few pointers to bear in mind that can often help you in your quest for glory.
1. Have a disablility. I don’t mean cause an accident that leaves you wheelchair bound, I’m talking about the part you play. The Academy loves an actor who can portray one of those poor unfortunate less-abled bodied people, with aplomb. It makes them feel good about themselves giving an award to someone who sat down for their entire perfomance- or talked a bit more slowly and deliberately than normal.
Ask Al Pacino, Jamie Foxx, Dustin Hoffman, Daniel Day Lewis and Tom Hanks. If your blind, autistic, suffer from cerebral palsy or have learning difficulties and Aids then bob’s yer uncle, Oscar glory awaits.
2. Be Black. I’m not encouraging actors and actresses to go and paint themselves, if you’re not of an afro-carribbean persuasion then forget it, but it seems the academy is now making up for years of failing to recognise the efforts of black actors by giving them an award every year. In the past ten years we’ve seen- deep breath now, Halle Berry, Jennifer Hudson, Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx, Morgan Freeman, Forest Whittaker and Mo’Nique all win acting awards.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not claiming any of the aforementioned thespians were given their Oscars based on anything other than ability, I’m merely highlighting that if you’re black and want to win an academy award, now’s the best time.
3. Play an actual real person. There’s nothing more the academy loves more than seeing an actor or actress give their ‘interpretation’ of someone rather than an ‘impression.’ Whether it’s De Niro’s Jake La Motta, Jim Broadbent’s John Bayley, Sean Penn’s Harvey Milk, Forest Whitaker’s Idi Amin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Truman Capote or Cate Blanchett’s Katherine Hepburn, Reese Witherspoon’s June Carter, if your playing a real life person- you’re golden.
4. Lose/gain weight. Nothing screams Oscar glory like piling on a few stones or even losing so much weight you look like you’ve just emerged from a six-month crack binge. If you can show your ready to ‘suffer’ for your art you’re on your way. George Clooney, gained a bit of timber for Syriana- kerching Oscar win, ditto De Niro for Raging Bull, as did Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland. Then there’s those who’ve gone the other way, Adrien Brody, The Pianist, Tom Hanks Philadelphia. If you can change your belt by at least three hoops either way, the oscar’s in the bag.
5. Go gay. Struggling to get the recognition your work deserves? The why not give a bit of same sex on screen kissing a go. Whether it’s Hanks in Philadelphia, Penn in Milk, Hoffman in Capote or Chalize Theron snuggling up to Christina Ricci in Monster, the Academy embraces homosexuality with abandon -unless it’s real-life of course, where everyone seems to go perculiarly quiet on the subject.
6. All of the above combo. If you really want to be guaranteed an oscar win, then the best thing to do is go for an all of the above- or at least some of them combo. Gain weight, be black and play an historical figure- Whitaker, or play an historical figure, be black and have a disability- Jamie Foxx, lose weight have a disability and go gay- Tom Hanks Philadelphia- there are certain ways to win an Oscar and the all of the above combo is one of them.
So there you have it based on those rules- Firth, who plays an historical figure with a disability and Portman who lost weight and went gay should be shoo-ins as should Bale, lost weight, real-life person. Although the best supporting actress gong is still up for grabs.
My favourite performances come at the actual ceremony as actors and actresses applaud lovingly while watching zero’s fall off their paycheck as another nominee scoops the award- now that’s acting.
Follow more of my ramblings on twitter @jaymotty
