Everywhere you look these days there are programmes about Zombies. They are all over your tele-box, there are countless films about them and there are even books and websites dedicated to those undead bastards! Now I’m a firm believer that there is simply no smoke without fire, and that a Zombie apocalypse is on its way. Laugh at me you may. Mock me with your dubious doubts. Point at me and say ‘this joker is crazy, man.’ all you will, and I won’t blame you. But despite all this, I’m going to share with you some tips that may very well save your life one day. So, where do I begin? Maybe with this…..
Prepare a survival pack
This should consist of all the basics you would need to survive. Torch, batteries, water bottle, pen knife, pack of cards, paracetamol, snake bite kit. You should probably also pack a rucksack with a tent and sleeping bag in case you have time before you are infested by brain munchers. This will be the difference between living a few days and surviving for the long haul, so make sure you think long and hard before cramming the pack full of Cadbury’s Wispa Gold’s.
Weaponry
When the poop hits the fan, like or not you will need weapons. And it’s important you get the right weapon to get the job done and lets face it, most of us don’t have a shotgun or an uzi lying around. Any type of bat or hammer is good, as zombies have squidgy heads that are easy enough to cave in with a big whack. Don’t bother with a knife as chances are you’ll be bit before you kill the undead bastard. If you happen to stumble upon a sword, happy days! Get those mushy headed freaks bodies parted from their head ASAP.
Get yourself a Safe-house, and I don’t mean a house!
Hollywood may have highlighted the dangers of Zombies to the masses, but don’t trust everything you see in films. In movies, people always hole up in shops, churches, houses etc. That’s all well and good but if you are serious about keeping up with that nasty breathing habit of yours, you really should head for water. Get yourself a boat to sleep on and you’ll be as safe as can be. Zombies, as far as I’m aware, can not swim, and therefore have a tendency of stumbling into the water and proceeding to drown. That is unless you run into the zombie Michael Phelps…
Don’t trust anyone, Scully
Let’s face it, when the zombie apocalypse happens, everyone will be out to shaft everyone else in order to survive. There will be none of this ‘let’s all band together in a jaunty group’ malarkey. It’ll be more of a ‘Hi, now kindly give me your shoes before I chop your face off!’. No matter how kind and friendly someone seems, keep one eye on them as you may end up on the juicy end of a zombie sandwich before you know it.
And last but no means least…..
Master your Zombie Crip-walk and generic grunt
When the world is full of dirty, stinking, undead, flesh-eating, brain-nibbling mo-fo’s, the best thing you can do is try to fit in to the crowd and make yourself as inconspicuous as possible. Nothing screams ‘I’m alive, come eat me!’ than a sensible walk, fresh smell and perfect English. So first thing to do is master the Zombie grunt/groan. Easy, peasy! Just give it a loud and lingering ‘UUURRRGGGHHH!!!’, roll your eyes into your head and droop your face (for effect). Next up is mastering the walk, which once mastered is vital for survival. Drag one leg along the floor to give that broken leg feel, hunch your shoulders with both arms swinging freely (preferably one lower than the other) and let your head dangle slightly forward. Hey-Presto! You’ve got yourself one Zombie-riffic crip-walk from hell! You’ll be mingling with the undead in no time!
What’s next?
Next step is to prepare, my friend. Read these instructions, print them off, forward them to everyone you know, laminate the fuckers and stick them to lampposts! They will, one day, be the most important thing you will ever have read. I don’t want any money for the knowledge bomb I’ve just dropped on you. I don’t even want recognition or thanks (although I’ll take it if you like). My gratification comes from the hope that with these simples instructions, I will one day have saved your life. Yes….. YOU!