Born Offside #5: The FA Disciplinary Panel

I have a mental image in my head of what takes place during an FA disciplinary committee panel. In my mind there are 12 men, at least 6 of them would have big blustery handlebar moustaches, they are sat round a big oval table and they are about to commence their meeting. After they have dispensed with the pleasantries they begin with the agenda. Geoffrey Twittington-Minge stands up and announces the running order of the meeting;

1. Port tasting (late bottled vintage 78)
2. Stilton
3. Review of recent disciplinary contraventions
4. Heckling the poor
5. Lobster and caviar
6. Referee panel
7. AOB

I can imagine their meeting this week to discuss the Rooney incident. It doesn’t matter which way your support lies, it is hard to defend Rooney for what he did. I also don’t agree with the witch-hunt that followed the game. Listening to Talksport, they were desperately trying to encourage callers to discuss the antichrist and his latest misdemeanour. Rooney is an easy target since his world cup debacle and they thrived on it. Gooners calling in and saying he should be banned for 11 years, cut into three pieces with a chainsaw or sodomised by a horse. How the panel decided not to take any action is incredible, Rooney clearly took an elbow to the Wigan player and even if the referee did give him a cuddle and a stern word the FA should have banned him. That particular agenda item could have gone like this;

Twittington-Minge stands up and outlines the charge;

“now chaps, it seems that Wayne Rooney has been a dreadful scoundrel again, seems he has elbowed some chap from Wigan in the head. Frightful”

Paul Ponsonby-Bumlever responds “Wigan?, what on earth was he doing playing against Wigan? Don’t they play rugger?”

T-M replies “Golly, that’s a very good point. Maybe this is wrong. I didn’t even realise Wigan had a footy team. Maybe they meant West Ham”

Arnold Fistington-Rimmer offers his thoughts “West Ham? what is that? I had some Wiltshire breaded Ham the other day with some superb Dijon mustard. Has anyone been to Dijon recently? I love France.”

And so as the port flows the 12 disciples move from talking about France, to planning a trip to the Cheltenham festival and finally as the cheese board arrives they either drift off to sleep or tell tales of Oxford and Cambridge. As the meeting draws to a close they have forgotten all about Wayne and his assault and instead their thoughts have turned to the latest edition of horse and hound and matron giving them a brisk rub down.

And that is how they arrive at their decisions. That’s why there is little or no point contesting or discussing the illogical nonsense that they preside over. Once the port starts flowing and their is the chance of a bit of reputable man love all logic goes out of the bay window.