As the season comes to an end, many things have been decided and many are yet to be written into the history books. Before I delve into the murky realms of football, its my unfortunate duty to inform everyone that Born Offside’s incredibly talented, slightly crazy and always entertaining writer, John (JY_MUFC), has stepped down as writer of this column with immediate effect. The news came swiftly and painfully this week, and once I’d composed myself enough to speak to him, he had the following to say:
I have thoroughly enjoyed writing Born Offside, by far the best bit has been sending my draft version to Peter and then sitting back and waiting for the gasps of disapproval and then the subsequent Eastern Bloc style censorship ultimately watering down my lager fuelled commentary. I have sadly relinquished the reigns on Born Offside due to a chronic lack of time, I have a new job and my spare time has reduced incredibly, that and the fact that the FA have recently banded me from football writing for 117 years. I will still be contributing to Daily Waffle as and when time allows, maybe even popping up with a few sensible topics, looking at things like “the seasonal drift of pacific cuttlefish” or “wallpaper – is it the thinking man’s loo roll”. Thanks for reading “Born Offside”, both of you.
With this I will be taking over the reigns of Born Offside for the next two weeks, until it takes its summer hiatus, and will attempt to create a similar drunken rambling as John would so delightfully deliver. Anyway thats enough of the official pomp, lets jump head first into the juicy deliciousness of the world of football.
We start this week with the confirmation that Manchester is the new capital of football in England. Manchester City secured their first trophy in 35 years and proved to the whole world that it only takes a £650m investment to bring you the FA Cup. Money well spent I’d say. Manchester United secured the record breaking 19th League Title, surpassing Liverpool’s record and in the words of Sir Alex Ferguson, ‘knocking them off their f***ing perch’. Of course the London based media gave United all the accolades they deserve for winning such a prestigious title by claiming they are the worst team ever to win the Premier League. Lets face it, they’ve got plenty to back that up with. Four English Titles in five years coupled with three Champions League final appearances in four years, disgraceful. Meanwhile in Liverpool, as they licked their wounds at their biggest rival overtaking their most sacred record, as some pesky little scamp invaded Anfield with a banner reminding them of the Champions new feat. Oh how the scousers laughed, I’m sure.
Arsenal continued to show why they are the “Greatest Side the World Has Ever Seen” (TM) by continuing their monumental plummet into fourth place, with Manchester City moving upto third. Not four months ago, the Gunners were in contention for the quadruple. They go into the final league game trophy-less and knowing that unless they win and City lose, they will have to qualify for the Champions League next season. They are fantastic to watch though. Also in the capital, after narrowly missing out on the title, Chelsea fans congratulated their teams efforts by leaving Stamford Bridge as the team did their lap of honour. The team was greeted to a half empty stadium, who said Chelsea fans are glory hunters?
Meanwhile, at the foot of the table, West Ham were confirmed to be relegated from the Premier League. They began their preparations for life in the Championship by taking all over 35 minutes to sack Avram Grant, having an End-of-Season party and rucking with fans. Whilst many will mock this, surely this is excellent preparation for trips to Cardiff and Millwall. Five team remain in the relegation quagmire, with Wigan and Blackpool the bookies favourite to go down. Blackpool go to Old Trafford on the final day with many speculating that Sir Alex will rest his first team with the Champions League final only one week later. The media called for United to be fined if they fielded a weakened team, making a mockery of the FA’s squad registration rule. Saying that there isn’t much that comes from the FA that isn’t a mockery, so why should this be any different.
In the latest show of common sense from the FA, they announced that Ferguson could be remprimanded for his comments about refferee Howard Webb after the Chelsea game. Its an outrage that Ferguson has yet again been calling the referees out, does the man think he is a law to himself. Oh wait, Ferguson congratulated the ref? Hum…. We have pointed out the outlandish oafness of the FA on many occasion in Born Offside. Its so good to see them going out of their ways to prove us right, time after time.
So all this leads us onto the final day of the season, which Sky have dubbed ‘Survival Sunday’. With so much still to play for it should be an exciting final round of games. Will ‘Arry Redknapp manage to secure Spurs the Europa League spot, keeping the might of ‘King Kenny’ and Liverpool from European competition? Or will ‘King Kenny’ prove he is the greatest thing to happen to Liverpool since Jimmy Tarbuck? Will the Premier League lose the league’s most clinically insane manager in Ian Holloway? Or will God smile upon us all and relegate Mick McCarthy? One can only hope.