Hello, Edward Tuddleton here. Notice board inspector of many year’s standing and part time bee spotter, which is a very interesting hobby if you can spare the time.
Anyway I am here to tell you the story of when I invited Cheryl Cole/Tweedy round to my house for tea. It was the middle of last year and she kindly managed to find time in her hectic schedule to fit in a couple of hours for a bite to eat at my house.
For tea, in honour of her Geordie heritage, I prepared a traditional Newcastle meal of mashed potato to be washed down by three halves of Newcastle Brown Ale. She arrived at my house at 6.30pm on the dot. When I first answered the door I didn’t actually notice she was there as she is so skinny as to be practically invisible. It was only when I squinted my eyes that I noticed somewhere was stood there.
I invited he in and asked her to make herself at home. She sat down and then asked me a question. “Would you mind if Ashley Cole came in and sat with us?” She asked.
“Certainly not!” I replied. I went on to ask what he was doing there as I thought that they had parted their ways. So to speak. Ms Cole/Tweedy then explained that they had separated but after that her pet dog had died so, to replace the dog, Mr Cole had agreed to become her pet chihuahua. I thought this is ridiculous but she went to describe how Mr Cole is in fact so tiny he can fit quite snugly inside her handbag like many a designer pooch would do.
It is then I had to hit her with the bad news that, unfortunately, dogs were banned from my premises as I am allergic to them. Ms Cole/Tweedy took this rather badly. At first she started sniffling, then a little tear came out of her right eye and then she started full on sobbing. She sobbed her heart out right in my front room.
However that was just the start of it. As you may know Ms Cole/Tweedy’s main role in X-Factor is to comfort the many useless acts that take rejection by crying in front of a watching audience of millions and will give them a nice big hug. On this occasion though it was Ms Cole/Tweedy who was doing the blubbing. This created some kind of vortex right in my own living room as Ms Cole/Tweedy tried to comfort herself which only made matters worse. She started to scream, a high pitched wail, a noise I can only describe as coming from the very depths of Hell. Ornaments smashed, windows cracked, the halves of Newcastle Brown Ale bubbled and frothed, the mashed potato spat from our plates.
I had to think quickly. I grabbed my copy of the Ant and Dec single “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” and put it on my CD player hoping that their Geordie tones will sooth Ms Cole/Tweedy. About 30 seconds or so into the song she started to calm her down so I quickly led her out of my house and into her car.
I don’t suppose I’ll see Ms Cole/Tweedy again but I do know that I’ll never be able to listen to an Ant and Dec song again without thinking about that fateful evening.
