Welcome to the first ever ‘The EPL Report’ by yours truly. Each week I’ll be bringing you the most unbiased, down-the-middle, fence-sitting report on the weekends Premier League results you will find on the internet. Obviously that only counts if you are a Man United fan, otherwise you will probably think I’m a biased prick. But don’t flick articles just yet, you may just like what read, and if not, that’s what the comment box is for….
As a Man Utd fan, its contractually written into my blood that I have to despise anything to do with Liverpool, Citeh or Leeds. But as a person, there is no-one I can’t stand more in football than Mick McCarthy. So as QPR, and DJ Campbell, scored their third of the day to go 3-0 up against Wolves at Molinuex, it took all my efforts not to wet myself laughing. Not a good day at the office for Big Mick, although I’m sure Shaun Wright Phillips will be pleased with his contribution as he looked dangerous every time they went forward.
Arsenal continued their rendition of Titanic as they sunk without trace away to Blackburn. The game ended up 4-3 but it can’t be underestimated how poor Blackburn are and how bad a result this is for Wenger’s team, who now sit happily in 17th. Yes that’s right, 17th! Blackburn showed up with signs stating ‘Steve Kean Out!’, which also contained a picture of his face. It’s nice of them to help out the owners from Venky’s identify their manager.
It would be fair to say that Everton fans have not had it great of late. They have little to no money. One of their better players left on deadline day in Mikel Arteta and they look like they would be overshadowed this season by their big spending city rivals. By 5pm on Saturday, they must have been ecstatic as they secured a 3-1 victory at home against Wigan, with two of their deadline day swoops scoring in the process. They would be practically orgasmic by 3.30pm on Sunday but I’ll get to that later.
Saturday was rounded off with the first ever EPL goals to be scored outside of England. YAWN! Yes Swansea are Welsh, and they’ll be Welsh in the Championship next season too. Aston Villa and Newcastle both maintained their own unbeaten records as they drew 1-1 at Villa Park. Alex McLeish is quickly proving that he can be boring with any team, not just with Birmingham. Villa have now played five games and drawn four of them, DOUBLE YAWN! Last and most definitely least, Norwich beat Bolton 2-1 at the Reebok. I’m not going to be straight and say that the only reason I’m interested in Norwich this season is in the hope that Delia throws a pissed-up mental again at some point. Sherry is bad kids…
The weekend was rounded up on Sunday, marvellous, superlative, tremendous Sunday. First up was Liverpool’s visit to White Hart Lane to take on Spurs. Their enthusiasm for the trip will have lasted all of seven minutes as Luka Modric screamed one in from thirty yards. What followed was an absolute minefield of comedy as Adams and Martin ‘Prison Break’ Skrtel saw red, and Spurs scored another three to run out 4-0 winners. Surely with Arsenal losing, this would make Spurs fans the happiest fans of the weekend? Well not quite, as Citeh threw away a 2-0 lead away at Fulham to draw 2-2. Couple this with Man United’s 3-1 victory at home to Chelski and this would leave Man United fans feeling like kings of the footballing world for another week. Sunderland continued to be a gamblers nightmare team as their inconsistent form continued. They gave Stoke, supposedly a solid defensive team, a good hiding at the Lightbulb Stadium, running out 4-0 winners.
So this rounds up a fantastic week of games in the EPL. But I wouldn’t be a totally unbiased, level-headed writer without giving a massive, special mention to Chelski’s £50m striker, Ms Fernando Torres. What a game for Ms Torres against Man Utd as she finally rediscovered some of her form of old, scoring a beautiful chip in the second half. That was until she followed that up by rounded De Gea and proceeding to secure the Ronny Rosenthal ‘Balloon of the Decade’ award by missing a totally open net. Bravo Ms Torres, Bravo!
