The Prime Minister – David Cameron
Hello everyone it is the time of year that, now all the turkey and stuffing has settled and all the presents have been unwrapped and tidied away that I, as your Prime Minister, delivers a message to not just the Conservative Party and their voters but to the country as a whole.
I know that a good many people in this country were a little bit disappointed that the economy did not recover quite as quickly as one would have hoped last year. I too was disappointed. Indeed only last night over a glass of fine single malt and whist reclining in a new leather chair I remarked to the chancellor of the exchequer, George Osborne, and the top five business leaders about how disappointed I was. Fortunately before I got too downhearted Mr Osborne reminded me that a lot of people are still blaming the previous Labour government for all the economic woes. So that is what you must continue doing. When you feel bad about the economy and start to think that things will never pick up just blame Labour. It will do wonders for you and will take your mind away from all the things we are currently doing in power.
What I do know is that the coalition government has been accused of not having a so-called Plan B for handling the economy and that we are obsessed with cuts after cuts after cuts. Well, my friends, 2012 is the year that all those accusations will be proven to be totally unfounded. For his is the year of the London Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. Both of these events will do absolute wonders for the British economy. Just imagine all those American tourists visiting London each year being trebled and quadrupled for the Olympics and the Jubilee. Each one of them paying well over the odds for a traditional English cup of tea and they will quite happily pay over the odds just to hear a little bit of rhyming slang from your jovial Cockney type who knows that the Olympics is a guaranteed money spinner.
Surely we are not totally relying on the Olympics and the Diamond Jubilee to end our economic woes? I hear you asking. Of course not! Don’t be silly. This year is also the year of the European Football Championships in Poland and Ukraine. (Euro 2012 I believe the working class them). Now, of course, the tournament is not being held over here so normally it would not have a direct impact on our economy but we have come up with a rather spiffing little wheeze. We will introduce a 5p tax rate on those little flags people hang out of their cars during the event. That will bring in squillions to the threadbare coffers of the treasury. Throw in a couple of photo opportunities with the England squad before they set off and a couple of me playing a bit of kickabout on an inner city playground and suddenly I go from a silver spoon fed, out of touch, upper class so and so to somebody who has their finger on the pulse, peopl will feel good again and spend their hard earned cash. Super!
2012 will be the year that our economy finally grows and if it doesn’t we will just go back to our fool proof position on blaming the Euro and all those dastardly foreigners.
Toodle pip!
The Deputy Prime Minister – Nick Clegg
Hi, I am Nick Clegg. I am the leader of the Liberal Democrats and the Deputy Prime Minister in the coalition government and this is my New Year message.
I agree with Dave.
Goodbye.
Opposition Leader – Ed Miliband
Hello. Ed Miliband here to deliver a New Year message to the Labour Party its supporters and to all those people who are dissatisfied with the Tory-led coalition.
Er, no I am not David Miliband he is my brother, I am Ed Miliband. Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party. Am I sure? Course I am sure. What do you think I have been doing for the past year and a bit? Well I can tell you right now that I have been doing quite a lot thank you very much.
Name one thing? Well I have been running the Labour Party and has Her Majesty’s Official Opposition that is a full time job. Especially when one’s Party is the Labour Party. Have you ever tried opposing a Conservative Party without being portrayed as a rabid communist? It is ever so difficult I can tell you. That is why myself, together with the shadow chancellor Ed Balls, came up with quite a magnificent wheeze for the Labour Party’s policy for 2011. That was we would not have one. Not a single policy, not one idea, not a solitary snippet of a what would look as if we had a clue.
There was one tiny flaw with that plan and that was it was always bound to fail miserably. It turned out to be the single most hopeless idea in the history of the Labour Party, and for a Party that once boasted Michael Foot as its leader that is some achievement.
So my message for 2012 is a simple one and that is to stay tuned because at some point in this year we will have a policy. We are not too sure what that policy will be yet, we are taking this one step at a time, but there will be a policy.
