I’m surprisingly productive when I can’t sleep, which is why I don’t mind. I developed insomnia when I had clinical depression and since then, my mind will randomly decide I will not be getting any sleep and I face a long, lonely, cold night of stubborn wakefulness.
On the rare occasions my other half is not home, I catch up on films I know he won’t like and I do the housework. When he is here and I don’t want to disturb him, I write and usually I listen to very sad music very quietly. I’m being slightly more irritating than usual as I’m actually typing this rather than being kind and writing it in my notebook. I should imagine he finds the click of keyboard keys quite soporific by now and perhaps nods off at work occasionally.
Being awake when the rest of the world is asleep (I’m using artistic licence here) is a surprisingly refreshing thing. I’ve seen dawn many a time. I know the sounds of milk floats, the sounds of workers arriving at the supermarket I live opposite. Around 3am I hear the quiet purr of taxis followed by the click click clack of high heels. This is usually punctuated by random bursts of laughter and then the padding sound of bare feet when someone has taken off said high heels.
Most of the time, I think. I think about a lot of things. I think a lot about how rarely I actually sit and think about anything. Most of the time, I’m tweeting or writing or listening to music or working or podficcing or cleaning or watching TV and therefore, my brain is processing something else. When it’s very quiet at night and it’s just me the mournful flow of a red lava lamp, it’s time to sit and think.
I think about how glad I am it’s not two years ago any more. I think about how low I had sunk and what a blessed relief it is not to be there any more. I think about how awful it is that it has taken me two years to actually be able to talk about it.
I like to think I’m quite honest in my writing. I like to think I say what I feel about many a subject- wrongly or rightly, it is opinion based reactive writing to something I feel strongly about. I’ve written briefly about depression before. But I didn’t say what I really felt. That I was completely lost, hopelessly scared, and deeply alone. I thought for quite a while about how self indulgent this post is and then I decided I didn’t actually care.
I worked for someone who shattered my confidence. She wore me down until I was a fragile little shell and I didn’t know how to cope any longer. She removed from me any confidence I had and left me feeling helpless. She made me feel useless, pathetic, small and hopeless. She rocked my very foundations. She did this knowledgeably and she did not do it just to me. I was a victim amongst many. For a very long time, I wished her dead. I did not know how to cope with her constant barrage of abuse and I fell apart like a wet napkin. I used to tell people she ruined my life and actually, I do mean that.
The weirdest thing about depression is that you kind of make it worse on yourself. Well, you do if you’re me. I wasn’t just trying to cope with the daily grind of having depression, I was extremely annoyed with myself for having it and I didn’t want it. I beat myself up daily and never actually gave myself the time I needed to heal. I was ashamed. If I’m being honest, I still am. I hate that it happened to me and I hate that I let it. I don’t want to be “one of those people” and I felt, and sometimes feel- weak, pathetic, self indulgent and stupid.
The funny thing is, when I did actually start to tell people about it, for the most part they were fantastic. People actually help you simply by letting you know you’re not alone. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that it can happen to anyone and it does happen to anyone. Some of the strongest people I know have been reduced to a clingy mess by what they’re going through. I’ve heard tales of mental breakdowns in shops, tears of rage because they couldn’t open a can of soup. One woman calmly walked into a river because she felt it was the right thing to do. My friend’s depression was so severe that she heard voices in her head screaming that she should kill herself- but she told me whilst giggling that the next night the voices were yelling “Cheese!” But the best thing of all is that they got better. And so will you.
I may act like I’m the fountain of all knowledge when really, I’m just a girl sat in her jammies at a computer typing like an eejit. But I can talk about this because I’ve been there. For the longest time, I never thought I could get better. I thought everyone who said that to me was a filthy liar who deserved my fist through their face. I realised that people went through much, much worse things than me, but that it firstly didn’t make my grief any less important and that secondly, that if they climbed over that disgusting hateful mountain then so could I. My Auntie told me as bold as you like that she had a screaming fit trying to sign a cheque. She has no idea why it frightened her so much. My friend had a panic attack whilst curling her fringe, left the curling iron in and burnt her fringe off. She didn’t say a word when I rang her and bleated down the phone “I can’t come and meet you, I’m too scared”. She said “No worries” and sent me amusing pictures of cats until I felt better. My Agent was saddened to hear I hadn’t been well but nodded once and said “Fine” when I told her I was ready to start work again. They had faith in me, and that meant the whole world.
I feel like a game of Jenga. Go with me on this. For a long time, this woman had been removing my blocks. She had pulled them out one by one and I was so close to toppling over and whoops there it is…down I went. Since I left her evil clutches, my friends and my boyfriend and my new bosses put me back together again. I shattered like glass and I thought I was too broken to be fixed. But I got better. I took 2 steps forward and 5 back, I took two steps forward and stayed there. I use public transport alone. Another block. My boss says “Excellent job, well done” and that’s two blocks right there. I didn’t have a panic attack whilst trying to leave the house and I actually got to my destination. Another block. I got better. I’m not whole, but I will be.
Let me do something gob smackingly arrogant. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re having a rough time you can print this off and stick it up somewhere:-
“Attention lovely person. You are not stupid. You are not weak. You did not do anything to deserve this. You’re having a rough time and it happens. You are not alone. Don’t be angry at yourself- this isn’t Equilibrium (mm, Christian Bale. Sorry) and you cannot control your emotions. It happens to more people than you think. It isn’t easy but it’s worth fighting for. Don’t be scared. Don’t be angry. Talk to people. You can do this.
You will get better. I know you will”
Maybe it will help? I don’t know. It helped me anyway.
I think feeling alone is an evil feeling. It was the best revelation for me when I realised how many people’s minds had packed a suitcase and just left. It’s horrible, and I know it is. It’s miserable, and hard, and I had a crying fit once because I read the phrase “cold water skin” in a book and I thought it was so beautiful I started crying. I fell over in the middle of town and I was so ashamed I went home. I spent an entire day staring at the wall. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t know how to do anything. I forgot how to work the TV one day and listened to the radio all day instead. I forgot to wash my hair for about a week and then I spent so long in the bath I looked like a big white prune when I did remember. But I got better. Slowly, but surely.
I’m not quite a rebuilt Jenga but I’m on the mend. I wrote this because firstly I can’t sleep and this was the first thing that floated into my head and secondly because today it has been two years since I left that job.
Please don’t be scared to say if you’re not okay. Please go and get the help you deserve. I promise you it gets better. Don’t be scared if you’re not ready yet.
Thank you to The Eels for inspiring this in part with their beautiful song “Not Ready Yet”.
“But I don’t think I’m ready yet
I’m not feeling up to it now
Just not that steady yet
And I don’t need you telling me how.”
