It doesn’t matter which country you decide to visit, you can always bank on sharing your hotel with a group of stereotypically rowdy British blokes. With the World Cup being held in Brazil this summer, there’s going to be thousands of fans from 31 different countries for these men to annoy – so what better way to support our country than living up to the ‘typical Brit abroad’ stereotype!
Here are 10 ways to make sure you stick out like a sore (and sunburnt) thumb and to make sure you and your mates are perceived as truly obvious Brits on your holiday to Brazil this summer:
1. Immediately translate ‘all-inclusive’ to ‘drink all day’
Taking advantage of the hotel’s all-inclusive bar is a fundamental step to being a proper British bloke abroad. Drinking all day will also lead to a variety of other annoyances (hence its importance), such as chanting about everything that occurs in front of you. Furthermore, regardless of the exciting cocktails available, you must of course only ask for “another pint please love”.
2. Use a towel that looks like a flag
On a footballing holiday it’s important to support your team at all times. Obviously spreading your St. George’s Cross towel across your sun bed is one of the best ways to achieve this. If you don’t want your towel to get mixed up with your mates’ you can always opt for a Union Jack, or even a giant Arsenal or Man Utd crest.
3. Get your name printed on your football shirt
With the majority of footballers participating in this year’s tournament being under 25 years old, you might think that your childhood dream of playing for your country is well and truly over. Well you’re absolutely right, it is, but a British bloke should never stop believing! Make sure you get your name and desired squad number printed onto the back of your shirt before you jet off to Brazil this summer. If you’re not keen on the idea of having ‘Smithy’ and ‘69’ on your shirt, get your favourite player’s name instead – there’s nothing like a 32 year old man pretending to be 22 year old Jack Wilshere.
4. Snub the local cuisine
When it comes to eating food on holiday, a proper British bloke sticks to what he knows. Order fish and chips, bangers and mash, a full English breakfast – not salpicão, misto quente or whatever other delicious local dishes are on the menu!
5. Read a footballer’s autobiography by the pool
Picture the scene: everybody is relaxing with their books by the pool. There are crime thrillers, there are love stories, and there are a number of women discreetly reading 50 Shades of Grey (and one man reading his ‘girlfriend’s copy’). But in amongst all of them, you’ll find the true Brits delving into their enormous hardcover version of Alex Ferguson’s or Wayne Rooney’s autobiography / using it as a coaster.
6. Get sun burnt on day one
Think of your first day in Brazil as the England home kit. Think of your second day in Brazil as the England away kit. To be a true Brit, you need to go from the palest white imaginable to the brightest red as soon as you can. If you can incorporate some t-shirt tan lines into this British holiday look as well – even better!
7. Display your tattoos as often you possibly can
What’s the point in having your beloved football team’s crest tattooed on your back, or a tribal pattern running down your arm that you’ve regretted for years, if no other holiday-goers get to see and appreciate them? Get them out whenever you can!
8. Speak English at all times
This is one of the most essential steps in guaranteeing you come across as the most British bloke in Brazil. Whether it’s asking for directions to the stadium, ordering food in a restaurant, or complaining to the hotel staff – you must under no circumstances attempt to speak Brazilian. If they clearly can’t understand your request, just raise your voice and continue to repeat exactly what you have just said.
9. Refer to the Christ the Redeemer statue as the ‘big concrete geezer on the mountain’
The only site a proper British bloke wants to see is a Rooney free-kick going straight into the top corner. Any sight-seeing in Brazil this summer, whether it’s one of ‘the Wonders of the World’ or not, is forbidden to any Brit.
10. Tut at everything
By following the above advice, you will be well on your way to becoming a stereotypical Brit abroad, and you will irritate other holiday-goers every single day. Ironically, however, it is you who needs to get irritated to be a true British bloke. If you have to queue to get into the stadium (just like everybody else) – ensure you ‘tut’ loudly, if others can’t understand what you’re asking for – tut loudly. The list of potential events that could (and should) lead to a ‘tut’ is endless – so get practising! Tut.
Author Bio:
Written by football fanatic Harry Peters of travel company Just The Flight. Visit them at http://www.justtheflight.co.uk/
